In the News and Would you Marry this Pirate

The mystery of the runaway bride is over. And thank God it didn’t have a similar conclusion of the recent national dramas we have grown accustom watching on a weekly basis. Thank God there was no little girl snatched from her bed and to have their precious little bodies recovered later after some monster took their lives. Thank God it wasn’t another battle over what rights a spouse may have over life because at one time they said, “I do”. Thank God there is a conclusion that all can live with.

Now what to do with the flighty (pun intended) broad who couldn’t bring herself to marry Gomer Pyle when they were days from the matrimonial march down the aisle. Some are calling for her head, others are saying forget about it, and others (which I assume is the majority) think this was one funny event and we could care less.

Who in the hell has a wedding with 600 people there? Other than a Pirate who always has those who are sucking up to him, why would you want so many people there? Was it for the number of great gifts you could possibly receive? I mean how many toaster ovens can one couple use? You only need one clock per room for crying out loud. My guess is these two or maybe just he and that’s why she split, is a greedy fellow and wanted tons of gifts for his wedding.

I was watching Gomer on television last night as he was being interviewed and he was asked what did you do when you first saw her? His response took me by surprise. He said he gave her back her diamond ring as soon as he saw her and she put it back on her finger. I thought is there something here we’re not seeing? Why did he have her engagement ring already? Did she leave it behind? If she did, did he know she split the scene? Is there a possible money motive behind potential stage abduction? I don’t know call me skeptical but I just don’t think we’re getting the entire story. Another thing he said that made me wonder was his comments about how he feared the lie-detector test. If you didn’t do anything, why be fearful. I know there could be false test results but I don’t know if anyone has ever been convicted of a crime because of lie-detector test results. Their credibility may come into question but conviction I don’t know. Did he and his goofy bride-to-be stage a possible abduction then chicken out? Was this some kind of drama that they played for some monetary payoff? Are they being paid for their interviews? Do they have a possible book in the works?

Stay tuned and watch this one. I don’t know if it’s all we think it is, but at least she is safe. We also know who she thinks are the bad guys, those darn Hispanics. She originally said she was abducted by a Hispanic man and woman in a blue van, why not Arab dudes, or a couple of black dudes, or two or three Bubbas that looked like my hero, Larry the Cable Guy?

These are just things this Pirate guy wants to know.

This last weekend I went in and got a haircut. The young and I might add very attractive girl, named Chastity cutting, my Pirate locks asked me what I do. I said what do you mean? She said you know? What do you do? I told her I was a Pirate and I drink, rape, plunder and pillage. Then I asked her if she was interested in being ravaged by a Pirate? You should have seen her face. She giggled and hummed around back there. She was panicked but interested. I could see she was thinking what could happen to me if this 40 something Pirate shanghaied me off to some enchanted island and made me his belly-warming wench? Would he allow me to keep my pierced lip and nose? Will he make me clean up after him and his bullshit Pirate friends? Would he eventually put me up above his other minions and make me his personal property or would he share me with his brood?

I then tipped her a five and walked out. I thought I had pulled one real good RF on someone. I got home looked in the mirror and she had shaved a monk’s bald spot on the back of my head. My little daughter claims I already had the spot but I am not sure about that. I think my daughter may be working with my dog that is undercover for the FBI. Details at eleven….