100 things about the Pirate

1. I am Christian and have been as long as I remember. I pray every day and many times a day. I do not wear it on my sleeve.

2. I am a father of four great people who I have been blessed to have the opportunity to be their dad.

3. I have been married twice. The first for five years. The present 19 years.

4. The current Mrs. Pirate and I are good friends with my ex. Neither of us carry an axe to grind.

5. My parents were in high school when I was born.

6. I had 13 grandparents a live when I was born. I still have four alive today.

7. I married the first time because of she reminded me of Annie Hall.

8. I married the second time because she reminded me of Debra Winger.

9. I once stood on a corner in Winslow, Arizona.

10. I once smoked pot with the Bionic Woman.

11. I got Wilt chamberlain and Jerry West's autographs.

12. I love football, pro, college and high school.

13. Above all Earthly things I love the Rams. (Sorry other stuff).

14. I am an Industrial Appraiser and Valuation Consultant. All because I couldn't leave well enough alone.

15. I have a degree in Economics. Because they didn't give out degrees in beer drinking and pot smoking.

16. I am left handed. Or as the ancient Greeks would say, sinister.

17. There is actually a funny and long story behind me being "The Pirate".

18. I graduated from a high school class that only had ten kids in it. Joe Valsetz's sister was the smartest and best looking one in the class.

19. My parents divorced when I was 26.

20. I have two sons and two daughters, the girls are on the ends. 24 yrs, 18 yrs, 16 yrs and 14 yrs.

21. I constantly remind Mrs. Pirate that my name is on the top line of the checking account. She reminds me we use a debit card for most things and pay on line. So I can have the checking account reign if I want.

22. I have an endearment toward men like John Wayne, Wilford Brimly, Ben Johnson. Hey, for a Pirate I have a weakness for those type of men that remind me of my grandfathers.

23. I have tried to live my life as a dad like that of Atticus Finch.

24. I have taken my kids to school most of their lives.

25. When they were in elementry school I got a rise and a tear every morning watching them run across the school ground with their little backpacks on and assignments in hand heading for the front door of their school.

26. Today I drop them off and still kiss them or tell them I love them as they get out of the car in front of their friends. It embarrasses the hell out of them. Good. I always say something like, "Learn something today and gome home smarter then you were at breakfast."

27. We have two dogs and two cats.

28. I commute 100 miles round trip to work every day.

29. I avoid road rage by listening to classical music and scratching my nuts. Pretty sounds and self gratification tend to keep my blood pressure in check.

30. I read when I go number 2. Sometimes a whole section of the paper or a chapter or two of a novel.

31. My favorite songs are L.A. Women by the Doors, Freebird by Lynard Skynard and Greengrass and High Times by the Outlaws.

32. If I could have been anyone other then myself I would have been Jack London, or John Steinback or Jim Morrison.

33. I am a Republican Hippie. I have conservative views that are clouded by smoke.

34. I have never voted for a Democrat. I mean why in the hell would I vote for someone who inspires to be as hacked off as myself.

35. The Christian Right and the Lefty liberals each amuse me for their self exposing stupidity. I am just amazed how many people from each camp actual buy the shit they're peddling.

36. I am a victim of lust. I can't help myself when a beautiful woman crosses my vision.

37. The features that attract my attention are pretty eyes, mouths and pants seats (arses love, arses), and especially intelligence.

38. I have told Mrs. Pirate to bury me if I don't admire a lovely woman or laugh at a fart joke. Because I am already dead. She usually responds with her beautiful smile and a fart.

39. If and when I drink beer it is either a Corona, Coors or Black Butte Porter.

40. I prefer to have a conversation with someone who completly disagrees with me but is intelligent, then some idiot that totally agrees with me.

41. At times when I'm on the road I'll rent a porn flick instead of go to the lounge.

42. I swear a lot but you already know I'm a Pirate.

43. I can only see out of one eye. But I still have the ability to move the patch.

44. I like David Letterman better then Jay Leno but I watch Nightline anyway.

45. I do not believe in capital punishment. No matter who it is. I think killing Timothy McVeigh only made our society as low as he was.

46. I believe the war in Iraq is a necessary evil and a very unfortunate one. Sometimes in order to save the body from cancer a limb needs to be removed.

47. I only like about half of what GW Bush has done as President. Slightly more then that of Clinton.

48. I admired Ronald Reagan even though I didn't agree with him on a lot things.

49. I think the blog world was created for people like me. Thanks Al Gore.

50. I played football, basketball and ran track in high school.

51. I wrote the Christmas play for my sixth grade class. It was pretty good even if I have to say so myself.

52. I got at least one swat on the britches every year in school until the 8th grade.

53. I thank good they weren't pushing Ritilin when I was in school. I would have been the poster child for the drug back then.

54. I like Thanksgiving the best of all holidays.

55. I think my birthday, January 26th should be a national holiday. I share that birthday with Paul Newman, Eddie VanHalen, Wayne Gretsky, Anita Baker, the State of Michigan and Gene Siskel.

56. I am a Portland Trailblazer fan but their piss poor attitude the last few years has driven me away from watching pro basketball for the last four years.

57. I almost flunked out of college my first term. I got a .67. I never got less then 3.5 from then on. Lesson, you need to go to class, take notes, study, and leave the girls alone.

58. I had a full ride scholarship and quit after my first year. Then went back two years later on my own dime.

59. I won a national writing competition when I was in the sixth grade. I got a plastic globe, a certificate and a pat on the back. My school got money and a set of encyclopedias.

60. I volunteer for the middle school in our area as the basketball coordinator in a city-wide basketball program called, Skyball.

61. I have coached youth sports most of the last 16 years.

62. My wife volunteers us at the high schol all the time. Booster club, team parents.

63. If it wasn't for my wife I would have little to do with volunteering. Messes with my TV watching and my moments of self-adulation.

64. I read anywhere from 40 to 50 books a year.

65. I work for a prick.

66. I drive an old car to work with 125,000 miles, I bought for $1,800 three years ago and park among a bunch of new sports cars and SUVs and know damn well I make a helluva lot more then most of those with the pricy cars.

67. I carry an extra fifty pounds. i'm waiting for the Biggest Losers to call.

68. I have brown eyes.

69. Is my favorite number and appears three times in important ID numbers I have.

70. I always like Dennis Miller, on SNL, MNF and his own show on CNBC. If there ever was someone who articulated what I feel about most things or confirmed my beliefs it would be him.

71. I can name all fifty states and their capitals.

72. At one time I could name all the countires in the world and their capitals but Reagan and Gorbechav ruined that for me.

73. My favorite color is blue.

74. I think Asian women in general are the most beautiful.

75. I have never dated an Asian woman.

76. Steak is my favorite food.

78. I do 90% of all the cooking in our home.

79. I hate home repairs. I am the farthest thing from Bob Villa.

80. I am a history buff. I love to discuss politics with anyone and on any subject.

81. I love life.

82. I have always told people that when I die it will be from a gunshot in the back from a jealous husband when I am 96.

83. Bad taste is my forte. As John Belushi use to say is that comedy doesn't have to be classy or appropriate it only has to be funny.

84. I know a bunch of quotes by Mark Twain.

85. My first lust was Rachel Welch. I had a poster of her in "A million years BC" along side my poster of OJ in my room as a kid.

86. I shared a bedroom with my two brothers. I slept on the top bunk and once kicked my brother Kevin in the head while he was a sleep because the Dallas Cowboys had eliminated the Rams from the playoffs that morning.

87. I had only have one sister. A redheaded spitfire Irish Lass.

88. I grew up with my feet in the world of white trash and my head in the clouds.

89. I once ran a marathon. But I have ran that distance two more other times but they weren't during a scheduled run.

90. I grew up hunting with my dad and brothers but never liked killing. I will shoot birds and fish but will not hunt big game anymore.

91. I wish you could make a good living doing nothing.

92. I like to flirt. If no other reason other then to give my heart a burst and to allow my ego to hold shotgun over me.

93. I am more talk then action but you can't always count on that.

94. You can't always count on me. I've dropped the ball before and have an idea I'll do it again.

95. I make it a point to be as nice as I can at that particular moment. If you ever meet me and think I was an ass, you can guess what it was like being me at that moment.

96. When I was a kid I had long thick black curly hair. I looked like Peter Brady. The middle boy.

98. I've seen Peter Brady's reality show on MTV. I have aged better then him if you ask me.

99. I let the answering machine answer the phone when I'm home. Its not that I don't want to talk to you, its I'm either busy or too damn lazy to answer it.

100. I figure this January I have 50 more years of life.