Friday, March 17, 2006

Is this a man's world or what?



The upcoming April Mrs. Pirate and I have been together for 21 years. April 19, 1985 I was out carousing with the buds, drinking, and smoking and down right being crude men (college kids) and I happened to notice a girl I knew from one of my classes. This girl, unbeknownst to her, had participated in several of my “Day Dreams” during one or two of our professor's long drawnout lines of bull. She was sitting at a table with only herself and another coed, named Charley. After a few more cold beers I mustered up the liquid courage and approached their table. I invited them over to our table. The table I invited them to join was now supporting four, should we say well pickled and flat out inebriated soon to graduate "leaders of the future" who were beyond their limit. To my surprise the two lovely girls accepted the invite.

Escorting the two girls to our table it became obvious the girl who had caught my eye and had unknowingly participated in many of my lustful thoughts was not interested in me. Not one iota. She had noticed my well groomed and dashing friend, Coon-dog who st higher then the rest of us because of his wallet. Coon-dog was an amateur at beer swilling and was well beyond repair. In fact, he was at the time sitting at the table eating my Marlboro lights; one-by-one. For some reason this young beautiful thing was less interested in a real Pirate as much as she was interested in a future tobacco industry official. But I did happen to notice the much cuter and shorter (and incidentally the one with the nicer britches) of the two ladies was laughing at all my jokes. She set next to me and actually seemed to be interested in me. There was something in her eye that said to forget the goddigger and concentrate on this honey. Good thing i listened to that voice i always thought was another personlity.

More brews were consumed and fewer cigarettes were eaten when I finally mumbled something to the fine little lass about dancing. If you know me if I was willing to dance I was drunk and had an inkling I may be heading home with the sweetie. There are few things in this world to get a Pirate as myself to dance. One comes in a bottle the other is much nicer then that.

Suffice it to say the dancing went well and by the night I had her signing the contract and the rest is history. In our relationship we put far less importance on our wedding anniversary as we do the date, April 19th. Unfortuantely so hads Janet Reno at waco and Tim McVeigh but that is a whole different story.

As we have worked through these last 21 years we have been able to overcome a lot. We have certainly had our peaks and valleys. We have had three kids of own and she was without hesitation, able to accept my daughter from my first marriage as one of her own as well. But the most difficult thing for the two of us over the years is the difficulty there is in shaking who you are. I mean who you have become from your childhood.

You see Mrs. Pirate, Charley, is from a female influenced family and I am from a family that was male dominate. Believe me if you doubt it right now, there is a difference. I don’t mean to say there aren’t families of female dominance that don’t watch football on Thanksgiving because there are. I don’t mean to say that a male dominated family wouldn’t join the town choir group; because we know there are many that do. I mean there is a difference flat out and simple from families that are male dominate to families that are female dominate.

The following list of International Rules of Manhood that my younger brother sent me today is an example of this difference. Please read them and let me know if you think I’m nuts about this or know of what I mumble. As read this I can assure you few if any sisters would ever send this to each other with the intent to arouse a smile.



International Rules of Manhood

1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

2: It is ok for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:
a. When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
b. The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
c. After wrecking your boss' car.
d. One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game".
e. When she is using her teeth.


3: Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally
killed and eaten by his buddies.


4: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend
out of jail within 12 hours.


5: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off
limits forever unless you actually marry her.


6: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge forbidden.
However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.


7: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another
man. In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional.


8: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the
weakest.


9: When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may
ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.


10: You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought
her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of
flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.


11: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're
sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless model and
only when it's free.


12: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed
to kick another guy in the nuts.


13: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.


14: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.


15: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see
anything.


16: Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as
spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink
as much as the other sports watchers.


17: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must
remain sober enough to fight.


18: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of
pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.


19: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking
about his choice of beer.


20: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours,
except if she's withholding sex pending your response.


21: Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while he is lifting
weights:
a. Yeah, Baby, Push it!
b. C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
c. Another set and we can hit the showers!


22: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing:
i.e. Both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations,
an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.


23: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer
than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang
up if necessary.


24: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend"
have carnal drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and
guilty is no reason for you not to nail her again before the discussion
about what a big mistake it was occurs.


25: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for
her to drive yours.


26: Thou shall not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, lime green,
orange or sky blue.


27: The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for
Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an Xbox.
End of story.


28: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's
Gymnastics. Ever.


We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really
know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the
definition of each is listed below.
GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being
assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask, "Are you
still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?"
BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys smelling of
perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass
and having the balls to say, "You're next!"


Hey, don't blame me. I didn't make the rules.

P.S. A real man will do whatever in the hell he likes. No rules are truely necessary.

Peace...