Monday, April 09, 2007

Busy being Busy

I have had a hard time getting to the blogger today. I have been working my Pirate rear off today trying to get three reports done and out by the end of this week. I sent the biggest one to the publisher, Can O'Corn. You may remember him from my Sir Von Asswpe and his lovely and gracious wife, Peach days. We were both held captive on this isolated island and made to watch the two of them masquerade around as humans.

We were put out to sea on the rickity raft after making millions for that 4 foot tall megla-maniac and his two-ton crotch scratching princess. When we found land Can O'Corn and I decided to start our own businesses. Notice business is plural. I will collaberate I do not do partners. My theory is you only do partners with someone you'd screw or you don't mind being screwed by. Because you are always responsible for what they buy at the store and say at the bar. So you might as well be screwing if you're going to put yourself out there like that and hopefully taking pictures of compromising situations in case you break up later. (Remember that Paris Hilton).

Can O'Corn being the anal retentive atta boy Harry Hairshirt, ex-screaming Eagle Blackhawk pilot took the publishing side of our atack. I the warped one-eyed, hook armed, peg legged fatty smokin, beer swilling, Pirate decided I'd do better as the "Big Picture" guy. It works for us. At least for me it does.

Can O'Corn is able to spend his day analyzing and poking at the detailed chit and I am able to focus on the long haul. Picture Cheech and Chong here. Can O'Corn looks like he's from East LA and I look like a lost Pirate without a map.

I digress. Or was that regress?

Well, anyway. I have been busting my Pirate backside the last several weeks trying to get these reports done. First I got sick which I will go into some other time when I need a shoulder to slobber on, then I lost two grandmothers and four friends in a matter of a week. Right in the middle of all that this butthead that had hired us calls me up and wants his reports.

I said, "Well my good friend", that had the good nature to open up his, what appeared to be frugal wallet, "I have incurred a few personal set backs of late".

He became rather how do you say it, in a nice way? An asshole. "I thought you said I would have those reports in my hands in two weeks, blah, blah, blah".

What he was really saying is he expects the "help" to jump when he calls.

At first I had this fear of losing a client. So, I immediately jumped into the kiss the backside of is royal hindass. Oh please don't think ill of me old guy with the bucks. Then it hit me this guy had talked me down to doing the whole project at about 50% of the market would do it for and then after we started the project piled more and more on. And to think I could get a report out in two weeks on a project twice the size of the regular projects. No way! And further I never told the slime basket I would have it done in two weeks. I have done over 500 of these types of reports and never have they come in in less then 60 days. Then I remembered I told the dolt by the end of April. Yeah that's it. April 30th something!

Then the next day I get this snotty email from the guy. It is obvious to me he just likes to make people eat out of his hand. "Dear Pirate Appraisal guy. Though I can appreciate your sudden illness and recent family lose but I have grave concerns about your firm completing this project at my expectations. So kindly send me what you have completed up until now and I will review it. And determine if I will continue your employment. Yours truely Sir Edmond Fartmuncher."

Good thing my Pirate nerve returned.

I promptly firing back an email telling him he obviously was living in a dream world if he thought for one second this here Pirate was going to jump to his command he's been eating out of the wrong toilet bowl. Though I certainly appreciated the opportunity to do work for him in no way will I catch his farts. In no way would I send him a progress of what I had done up until now and in no way was I going to send him proprietary data for his personal use. And most of all no one and especially not me ever told anyone, that this project would take two weeks. But while you're munching on that one, Edmond here is my bill. Oh yeah and the horse you rode in on too!!! Then I stomped off to another funeral in a foul mood.

When I returned that evening I had received a crow eating email from him pleading with me to complete the report.

Now he will get the report two weeks short of what I had told him in the first place. Watch the slime ball take two months to pay me.

You'd think after 47 years I had figured this one out already. Whenever someone talks you into doing more for less they will be the one that is the biggest pain in the arse. Its always ends that way. I sensed it when I first solicited these people and I didn't listen to that parrot on my shoulder.

Peace...