In the News

Scanning the globe, reading papers and blogs from around the world, eaves dropping, and plan old making stuff up I have gathered some crazy shit going down on this big ball.

Date line, London. Some scientist with not much to do, have recently discovered that pets are getting fat. According to recent studies, 33% of all pets are over weight. They have discovered that these pets eventually develop health problems such as diabetes, high blood pressure, and heart ailments. Well duh! I certainly hope with all the problems Britian has, this is not one of their major concerns. From my experience the people that I have known, that watch every aspect of their pet's health, usually bury their pet long before the fat yippy dog that the old lady at the end of block owns.

From France. An elderly performance artist attacks a toilet with a hammer. The Marcel Duchamp's "Fountain" a porcelin urinal (pisser, head, john, crapper, etc) built in 1917 and considered by many, one of the greatest works of art and is estimated to be worth $3.6 million, was slightly chipped by the performance artist. Apparently this is not the first time the constipated artist has attacked the "Fountain" located in Nimes, France. In 1993 he took a piss in it.

Rush, Colorado. Rancher Clyde Cless says he has a theory on what happened to his prized heifer over a decade ago. Apparently the prized cow was killed and had its lips, tongue, eyes, ears and reproductive organs removed in laserlike fashion. The rancher suspects the government is behind the killing of the animal. "Cuz dem guys are da only folks who have tools like dat". It was also heard that Oliver Stone and Michael Moore are fighting over the rights to the story. Stone thinks Nixon and the CIA are obviously behind this and Moore just wants another whack at Bush. I'm smelling Oscar here...

Today January 6 is "Bean Day". Man its going to be a smelly lair tonight. Phffft!!

At a resort in Israel a millonaire Brit named, Sharon Tendler married a 35-year-old dolphin, named Cindy. The only weird thing here is a male dolphin with the name, Cindy. Its like the ranch hand character that replaced Adam Cartwright on Bonanza who was named Candy. I suppose naming a cowboy these days Candy isn't all that farfetched. Still smelling Oscar...

Russia. A bus driver named Pavel Korban has had a picture of the Russian President, Putin, tattooed on his chest. I have heard of government dependancy but this may be going a little too far. It was over heard during the arguement between Oliver Stone and Michael Moore that Moore was going to have Bush's face tattooed on his butt crack but hadn't decided which one.

Somewhere in the Middle East. Michael Jackson has converted to Islam and is having his own mosque built near his home in the desert. A sigh of relief was heard from the Jehova Witnesses.

From Hollywood. Angelina Jolie has been voted the sexiest star by the group that calls itself the "Lipstick Lesbians". I'm thinking good choice and wanting to know why I was not invited to this year's convention. Just another thing I have in common with lesbians.



Several months ago Billy Bob Thornton claimed that one of the reasons he and Angelina's marriage imploded was because making love with her was like "Screwing a couch". Billy Bob I think the problem is you have a bad aim.

I don't think its Oscar I smell. And that's how I found it and I'm out of here til later.

Peace...