Friday, January 21, 2005

Getting ready for Yakima

You would think going to Yakima for the fifth time in last year would have me all fired up. I was told yesterday that I was going to Yakima for ten days or more and I leave Monday, 1/24/05. Have you ever been in Yakima in January. Its cold as hell and there is little to do in Yakima other than drink. Since I have given up drinking , I mean mostly given up for herb, this might be a decent road trip. Sit around the motel room at night getting a hat on and watching porn.

I will be on the road for the next week or so and it may be difficult to blog. I will try everything I can to leave some kind of posts (that is just in case someone actually gives a rat's ass).

I am still editing 1/20/05 post. I am holding onto it to see if the descriptions are clever enough to keep my boss from being able to see himself in it. I doubt if he'll ever find the page; stranger things have happened. The last thing I need is to get fired because I accurately painted the picture of my boss and his suck ass protege and his private office candy on a blog page. I would like it but Mrs. Pirate would have my nuts.

Hmmm. She may already have my nuts. They weren't there this morning when I got up and went in to the shower. Like every morning I stand in front of the mirror as the shower water warms, and check them out. I don't stand and stare I usually have a secret peek thing going and maybe a little brush-type of scratch just for small fix. This morning the mirror seemed extra blurry so when I went for that little peek I didn't see them dangling where I have always seen them. I then tried a little scratch and they weren't there. I looked in my shorts that were laying on the floor and they weren't there either. Then I remembered that Mrs. Pirate told me last night, on our way to the gym, that her make-up bag has been missing for the last several days. Is there some kind of transforming going on? I wondered. I've heard this happens with couples who have been together for too many years. Or is that pet owners and their dogs? We may even have a make-up bag theif running around who also has a nut fetish.

I think the post is excellent (the one being held in the edit mode) even if I have to say so myself. The descriptions of the characters are so right on. I think the little sawed off Swizzle Dick (boss) with a major Napoleon complex would have me sent to Elba if he evr found the page. It certainly would beat Yakima.

Is it possible that the make-up bag thief could be the same ass that stole my nuts? I know they were there last night, because I watched Law and Order. I usually lay on the couch and watch Law and Order marathons and scratch my nuts when I have had a long day of pirating.

Anyway back to Yakima. You can see how heartless the US government must have been back when they were settling the land swaps with the Indians. The Yakima Indians own a lot of the land around Yakima. You can tell because there is a casino in Toppenish or Wapato, plus everything has an Indian name. There is absolutely no reason for anyone to move to Yakima unless you are a displaced Indian. I travel all over the Northwest and can find beauty in every place I go, except Yakima. I don't know what the hell it is, I can't.

Mrs. Pirate just called, she says she found my nuts. I left them next to the book I am reading and my reading glasses. Man I was getting fucking worried. Its not that I need them. I already have enough little pirates. Its just you get accustom to warm, soft and hair toys (like those Indian yo-yos we used to buy when we were kids on vacation with Mom and Dad Pirate). Plus it feels really good when you subconsciencously dig your (I don't mean anyone in particular when I use the pronoun your) nails into the backside and slowly scratch away. Then with the same hand grab a handful of popcorn out of Mrs. Pirate's popcorn bowl.

My mom called to tell me my little sister, Kimber has just come out of surgery and the lump is malignent. She also told me that my sister is pregnant. Not bad for her 41st birthday; shit. And I thought I was having fucked day.

At least I'll have my nuts to scratch tonight. I hope Law and Order is on.

Wednesday, January 19, 2005

Setting the stage

If we are to have a relationship I need to "Set the Stage" if you will. Tell you, not about myself but about those I sail with. People I rub hooks with, swap eye patches with, people I rape, ravage and plunder with. Like most Pirates this Pirate docks in several ports. There is the office port and of course the home port. Then there is the occassional random port, or the area where I am playing without a net. In each of these ports or places there are some different characters. People who I have to deal with on a regular basis. Some of them are flat out crazy others are bordering on mentally challenged yet others are the reason I have kept my ship sailing.

At the home port I share command with Mrs. Pirate, who is responsible for keeping my flag waving. Her number one task in life or should I say her reason for existance is to make sure I am happy at all times. Or at least when she wants to. I am much bigger than she is but she still scares the shit out of me. She is small and soft spoken, bright and caring, smart but humorless. I have no doubt that Lorena Bobbit could learn a lot from her. She supports my endeavors but often questions my motives. She is the most sane Pirate I know. She is well educated but has few street smarts. I always tell visitors she is like a chimp. Small, cute, nice smile and could rip your arms off and beat you over the head with them. Her most redeeming characteristic is she puts up with my shit and still loves me. She taught special ed for 13 years, I suppose that is where she received the training to keep me focused.

Our first baby Pirate is now in her early 20s and is referred to as, Blaze. She is a paramedic/ firefighter protecting the country against young male Arabs. A front line fighter, who sells flowers on the side and takes kick boxing seriously. And she voted for Kerry. Some where along the line I fucked up on my indoctrination of her skull of mush. Though we differ in who should be the captain of USS America she is still one of the best Pirates I know. She currently is living with a Pirate wannabe. At this stage of their nesting he treats her nicely. But I do not have any problem gutting him if he ever hurts her.

Eating us out of house and ship is number one son, Jock. He is a great kid and a Junior in high school. Smart as a tack but keeps his grades at C level apparently for better sailing. The kid was born with the ability to be the best at whatever he does even grades if he'd apply himself. Good looking, great smile, athletic, possesser of good friendships, loves his family but he is flat out lazy. The Jock can play video games all day only coming up from below deck to eat, shit and make a mess. He is also very costly to raise.

Number two son, Slick is a freshman in high school and has never met a woman he doesn't like. This guy is destine to get pussy in the rock star range when he leaves port. Tall, good looking, caring, humorous and plays the piano like nobody's business. If the phone rings 100 times a day at home port, 90 are girls asking to speak to him. I have walked the hall with him at school to attend some school event and girl after girl walks up to him smiling and showing surrender, just to ask for a hug. If he wasn't from my loins I would hate him.

Little Sister rounds out the brood. She is in Middle school and is no doubt the little sister. She is smarter than all of us. She is prettier than all of us. She has all the humor in the house and she knows where all the bodies are buried. There is no doubt she will run the world someday. She is an excellent athelete and brings home straight A's. She flips us all crap and keeps score on everything.

The Boarder is another pirate floating around the home port. This guy is a childhood friend of mine that was down in his luck last summer so we allowed him to stay in the pool house until he could get his boat floating again. He has now become the thing that won't leave. Mrs. Pirate, Slick and Little Sister are all ready to take him for a ride around the pond and leave his sorry ass. Jock hasn't ever put together that he is living at our house. He thinks he came with the pool house. I need him to move on but he knows where to indescretely purchase good herb and brings great conversation about our youthful years. He is the king at the local Taco Bell so he keeps the brood full of Chalupas.

Tomorrow I'll let you in on the Office port.

Tuesday, January 18, 2005

Reason for the Pirate moniker

No I am actually not a Pirate in the sense that you may find me hanging out at an amusement park joyfully singing about the Caribbean while hoisting a bottle of rum. You won't find the Keith Richard's character played by Johnny Depp, within me. I certainly don't jump around in leotards displaying my proud bulge (though many have accussed me of putting my prick first). I am not of the Errol Flynn swashbuckling type of Pirate. But I think Errol's pencil thin mustache probably helped him get laid.

I would describe myself as a Jimmy Buffett-type Pirate. I work hard. I play hard. Have a quirky sense of humor and have killed my share of brain cells. I hide behind my smile and my warped point of view. I am extremely opinionated and proudly wear my heart on my sleeve. I am far from being a conformist and have little patience with those who do. I give the finger to authority and I don't give a flying fuck what the rest of the crowd thinks. But mostly I enjoy life without hurting others. Now that I am in my mid-40s I light up less and often drink my diet coke straight. I cruise other blogs for a variety of reasons but most of all for entertainment.

Reasons to either dislike me or to rally with me:

I voted for both Bushes. I think the father is a noble and decent man and I believe the son's destiny was to clean up the mess the rest of us allowed the Clintons to leave behind. I admired Ronald Reagan from the beginning and long before they paraded his dead body around the USA for week. I find it humorous that his biological son is a goof ball liberal and his adopted son does more to carry on his legacy. I think Patty might be an exciting piece of ass. I think people like Michael Moore are war profiteers and are only playing the part of a desenter per Hollywood. I think people like Jesse Jackson are nothing more than snake oil salesmen capitalizing on ignorance and people's fears. I think the only reason there were so many "blue" states is because so many people are woried about being held responsible for themselves. There is a growing number of people in this country that believe that they are simply owed something by society just because they inhale the same air as the others.

I do not see any hypocracy in someone enjoying a fatty, having no problem with gay marriages, believing that Jesus Christ is the pathway to salvation, being compassionate for others and being Republican. I see no conflict in people who drive BMWs and SUVs, drinks Starbucks coffee, strokes their own domain, reads Stephen King and the Bible, prefers the Waltons over Survivor, and partakes in herbal bliss but denounces drug abuse or listen to Rush Limbaugh daily.

How do you feel about it?

Monday, January 17, 2005

Virgin posting

After several years of wandering the Pacific coast from Seattle to San Fransico I have settled with Portland as my home base. From here I can easily continue my search for good stories to write and bad stories to right. From my new rainy lair I can dive into my thirst to be a writer.

The intentions of this blog is to give me a place to post my ideas, my short stories, my rants, my battles with my dope smoking muse, and to rape, ravage and plunder unsuspecting victims minds. To provide a place for others to sound off, posts their ideas, their short stories (or those they have pirated), their rants and hopefully to enhance my knowledge. I will not allow anyone to mess with my dope smoking muse or to rape, ravage or plunder this Pirate.